I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she told me i tasted like america
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
