If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
