My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
