Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
