Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
