Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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