take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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