google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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