My cat gives me a boner
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
