I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
