Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
