oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
