can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
