Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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