TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
