your parents love me but you hate me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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