I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
