In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
