So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
