Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
