i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
