Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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