9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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