do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
