I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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