Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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