He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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