also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize