Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
