i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize
