Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
