When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
