Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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