After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
