My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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