it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
