sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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