Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
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this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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