He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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