sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
