Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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