I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
