Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Please, let me fuck your mom
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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