Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
