i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
