I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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