I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
