he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You ruined the universe
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