My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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