i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
