Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
4 words: hood of his car
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
