Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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