My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
