peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
be right there i have to get my cape
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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